Hey Lew,
I hope you know how much your gift, and the presentation of that gift made me laugh. While I was opening it, I was cracking up the whole time, on the inside of course. LMAO..
It was maybe the best thing/joke I’ve ever had a part in. I might have seemed “pissed” but really I was kicking myself for not doing the same thing with the gifts my girl and I had brought.
When my girl first bent over to get it, I thought this one doesn’t look “normal” this one might have something really kick ass in it, (and it did !!!). Meanwhile my sexy little girl MissKaze, was eyeing it to, she too knew something really good was in it, she wanted it. Do we made our move; she got on her knees to get the gift, as it was way under the tree, people were yelling at her because they couldn’t see her sexy ass. So I pulled up her skin tight pvc dress so everyone on the ass side of us could see her magnificent black ass. (Gawd I love her, and it). She brings up the gift to me, I start unwrapping it, I turn to Master Cecil and say “what the hell is this, a Kilo of Crack?!?!” “I stopped smoking this shit!!”… Laughs from those of the crowd that hear me say it. I too was a bit “nervous” standing there with everyone watching me struggle with your gift.
I feel it, it seems like it could be a blow up doll, I think fuck it I’ll cut it carefully, then I see the note: “handle with care”, I try anyway, but know I’ll stab myself or the gift if I continue on this path. I give my girl my knife, and she goes to sit down.
Now it’s just me, the package and the crowd. There had to be at least 50 people there waiting to finish the exchange and see what gift they ended up with. (one thing you might not know, I carry a “gut hook” knife. The kind you’d use to slice rope/clothes/whatever off of a body without harming the body). I had completely in that moment forgot I had it. More on that later.
Why couldn’t I just open the damn thing? I thought about getting my knife from my girl. NO! The card (that damn evil card) said to “handle with care”, what if someone wrapped up a blow-up doll? I surely didn’t want to “pop” it without having the chance to “Poke” it..hehe.. so I struggled. I thought I had it licked when I started unwrapping the “first” layer of what I assume was black shrink wrap by an end. But alas that didn’t last long at all. I unwound it once, twice then it broke. Seemed it was designed to do that.
At this point the crowd is getting a bit anxious themselves, and wanted to see this done, they want to get their own gifts, or watch another hot girl bend over to get a gift. Yes, Myself included. Santa’s tries to get me to sit down, so he can bring someone else up. Fuck this I think, I’ll call my girl up her to give me knife, good thing I didn’t because if I hadn’t I would have stabbed that fucking package clean through.
I believe at this point “Daddy’s Little Princess” says “Use a knife, damn it”, “I’ll come up there and open it myself” or something like that. I say in response, as close of an interpretation of “Kramer” from “Seinfeld” as I can muster .. “NOOooooooo!!!” The damn card said “Handle with care!!!”.. “I’m gonna open this damn thing and if I have to suffer then the rest of you have to fucking suffer with me too.. !!!”… much laughter from the crowd.. I think I started sweating at this point, I could feel 100 plus eyes on me, and feel the energy of those people that wanted me to sit the fuck down, for this part to be done. I could feel people smiling to themselves for being glad it was me who got this gift, and knowing this was something that will be thought about later, talked about later, laughed about later.
I have no problem being the one people laugh at, it’s what I’ve done since a very young age, if you were laughing at something I’ve done or said, I felt very much alive. So I felt amazing opening this present, I wanted to give everyone a good time, but I really wanted to fucking see what was in that damn wrapping too. I was getting anxious myself..haha.
So as I get past the black shrink wrap I’m thinking cool it’s almost done, almost ready to get a huge laugh cause it’s got to be something that is a funny joke, a prank gift. Maybe it’s a blow up dick, or pussy. Some shit the will make the crowd roar with laughter. Then I see it, fuck NO ! Fuck NO !! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I’m sure my face explained everything, as I show the crowd yet another layer of something white, is it fucking tissue paper? No it’s fucking white duck tape. Oh who the fuck is putting me through this shit? I think, my mind races, Lew?.. Could it have been him? I didn’t see him at all tonight. I didn’t see him put anything under the tree... hum. I don’t have time to think more about it, I miss the fact that the package is square and could be DVD’s. I miss the possible joke about “White duck tape” and white elephant. It had to be going on 10 minutes by this time, and I’m really really nervous and worried about taking up everyone’s night. Santa attempts again to sit my ass down. To move along the event, Dom trying to Dom a Dom, I don’t know but I say, “NO, not gonna happen!!” I say it all mad and aggressive like, hehe... “Daddy’s Little Princess” says something about a knife again, I ignore her. I might have growled something about the evil fucking card. I start trying to take off the half inch duck tape in strips, it doesn’t come of easily at all. One little fucking piece at a time, the clock is ticking, I’m sweating, people are making comments, laughing, talking mostly waiting.
One thing you need to know, if you don’t know me, I weigh 250 pounds, and a fair amount of that is muscle. I lift pretty heavy weight in the gym, on a fairly regular basis. People often ask me to lift/move heavy shit.. I’m not the fucking hulk but I can smash up some shit.. well I tried many many many fucking times to “rip” open into this fucking package at the “black stage” and at the “white stage”. That shit was wound so fucking tight there was no way for me to get a good grip to tear it open. I couldn’t get my fingers into it at all, there was no space. It was tighter then a virgin’s anus on prom night. Really !!..
So about this time the “card” is being talked about again, who was it from? Where did the card come from? Could it be a clue? Master Cecil is asking for it, it’s on the ground in front of someone ( I don’t recall) they pick it up, look at it. There is some talk about what business it’s from. Master Cecil gets the card. He looks at it, looks at the writing, and looks at the front. I’m fucking busy trying to find the end of one of the strips of white duck tape, because that is my only hope of getting it open. It seems fucking impossible at this point. I think “Whomever wrapped this present wanted it to stay unwrapped”, they must have used a full roll of damn tape on this thing. Fuck !!! Cecil says “OH I know who did this”… The crowd want‘s to know. They want his name, they want to cheer or curse him/her out. He keeps the secret, but he helps in the process. He says, “Darren use your gut hook”.. I say “what?” .. and look at him like a crazy man.. then it hits me. “FUCK. I got a knife made for this exact fucking thing !!!” “What a fucking Noob !!”.. lol.. I grab it, I start getting it into the package, the crowd is laughing a lot now, cause I’m making faces, they know it’s gonna happen soon.. they are gonna get a reward. I get a huge cut into the tape, rip most of it away. Think I’m done, NO. !! Brown Paper bags next..lmao.. fucking eh !!! REALLY?..Then I rip open the paper, it exposes the DVD’s to me. No one else sees them. I say loudly, “FUCKING LEW !!!”. “YOU BASTARD !!” laughing as I pull out the DVD’s to show anyone. I say to the crowed I will kill you if you try and take these.. and go sit down to rest.. much laughter and applause.
My girl and I sit there, I’m very very happy. We don’t have a lot, and we can’t buy a lot. We went to the Lew Rubens predicament bondage class at The Woodshed last month and it was all we could do to pay for it. When Lew mentioned his DVD’s I wanted very very badly to get a set. I watched after the class as someone bought a set thinking, damn I really wish I had the money but I’m very grateful to have Lew in Orlando not only to do the class but just having him around. I knew he could be around The Shed a lot in the coming weeks and if I really felt like learning something I could just ask him. So when I got the DVD’s I thought I wouldn’t have wanted anything else anyways and I hope no one wanted to steal them from me because well that would have sucked. I kept a low profile after that for the most of the rest of the night, it was drawing down to the end of the exchange and I still had my DVD’s. I was happy. I couldn’t wait to have a chance to watch them with my girl and start learning stuff. One of the DVD’s said “bondage for sex”. I was like “fuck yeah !”.. heh. Then it happened. After many steals “Just_David” lost the knives that he really wanted to keep. He looked at me. NO I thought fuck NO !!! “DON”T YOU dare”.. but he did, he said “THOSE !”. “Fuck” I thought!!! Made my way over to where he was.. I threw them on the ground a few feet in front of him in “mock disgust” at having to give them way. Much laughter from the crowd again, haha!!!
I was really sad I lost them. I stole a gift card to Chili's. My girl got a starter kit for boot blacking which was amazing, and we planned on using the card on Christmas for our “high protocol” day.. so it was looking up for us even though we lost the DVD’s. Just_David got them stolen from him, but I lost track as to if they got stolen again, but I want able to get them back as the game was about over at this point.
On the way to the other dungeon I spotted you Lew.. sitting there with your shit eating grin which I love very much see. We talked, laughed and I gave you a hug. You mean soo much to those around you Lew, just because you’re lew, not “The Lew Rubens” just because you are a warm, kind and loving human. We need you soo much in Orlando just for that reason alone.
So my girl and I try to make our rounds, we see people we laugh we mention the exchange, we laugh. We hug lots of people; fuck what time it is it? Damn we have to leave. We soo wanted to play that night, to feed off of the magic energy that night, to be there for breakfast, hell we might not see a lot of these folks till after Christmas but we have to get up early and travel to Tampa in the morning. We can’t stay out till 8am, fuck we have to be on the road by 830am at the latest. We say goodbye to as many as we can, hugs around heading out. There’s Cecil say goodbye, there’s Lew I give him a big hug tell him I really wanted those DVD’s .. that it was the best time I’ve had or something like that. I give Cecil a hug, and turn back around and there is Lew again. He gives me a set of the DVD’s. I hug him again. Lew says he may cry later, I say “me too”. I might have had a few tears right there honestly. My girl and I shuffle off to the car, feeling like the biggest “winners” that night. “We got the DVD’s, baby !!” I say, “he gave us the DVD’s !!!”.. “How bad ass is that” !!! We get in the car, drive home like kids that got exactly what they wanted for Christmas.
It really meant more to me then I can explain. I will never forget this night. I will never forget this Christmas, the White Elephant gift exchange at The Woodshed, and you Lew. I will never forget you. Many thanks for the most amazing night !!!
Somewhere RobertMaddox is laughing. Thanks to you too Robert for the idea last year.
Darren (aka ZenWarrior)
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